Preparations

In keeping with the approaching New Year Holiday I would like to present a series of posts. They shall go as follows: Preparations, Reflections, Beginnings. I'm pretty sure this should all be quite self explanatory.

Last year things were very different. I'm not going to go into it so much because that's the next installment, but last year I made myself a "New Years Resolutions" list that I promptly ignored because my situation changed and it no longer felt right.

This year I'm thinking much more about it and want to establish some good goals for myself. I want them to be things that I'll actually be motivated to follow through with. And even more awesomely I want them to be things that will generate self improvement.

I only have a few ideas so far:

Firstly I turn back to my old financial obsession and I intend to pay off one of my student loans. Way back during the college enrollment and preparations my father decided that my having a student loan was a good way to build credit (and also probably a good way to not have them completely hand life to me on a platter). So he had me, rather haphazardly, just sign up for the amount that we qualified for under the AES rules. I've been paying back the minimum required amount for about a year now. And a commonly held school of thought indicates that it is not financially viable to pay off student loans early, because of their favorable terms (ask me if you want to know the full logic), but I'm ignoring that. I figure that I should be able to without much problem at all pay off my 3 loans (one for each year of school) one per year. [bonus I totally found a new awesome blog that gives a link to specific directions for setting up sidebars - yay!].

Secondly I want to log 1000 miles on my bike. Quite simple and straight forward. Shouldn't be a problem given the amounts I was doing by the end of the summer this year.

And that's actually all that I've come up with. I'm trying to think of more awesome things becuase I'm pretty sure those two should be easy. But everything else I think of seems questionable:
Having a goal of the month - would I actually follow through?
Trying to accomplish the larger significant other thing - seems to important of a matter to be trivializing down into a list of goals.
And in general I don't want to list out silly little things like I did last year.

Ah well.

maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.

I love Christmas. As with most things I couldn't honestly tell you exactly why. There are many things that make the whole Holiday Season bright. The festive decorations, multitude of crafts, general good cheer, time off, time for family, time for traditions, oh how I love traditions, carols, music, singing in German, candle light, and tasty food. All very good reasons. I'm sure there are more.

Opening presents this year I was excited to find that my parents had taken my list and followed it quite well. And so I received some particularly useful things that I have been itching for: an Entertainment coupon book, a long sleeved leotard (in blue!), penguin skate dishware, a knitting needle set. And as an added bonus I even received a purely fun and superfluous gift of Guitar Hero II. Woohoo. I'm excited.

But in the end I hate focusing on the presents. I was a bit on the anti social side. I'm the only 'youth' of the family that's around for these shin-digs these days. And it can get lonely. Special events always make me long for that one special significant other.

Luckily enough for me at some point A called and left a message (my battery had died) and said that he'd been thinking about me and missed me. I heard this and melted. I like him so much and it's freaking me out to no end because it makes me paranoid. But he left me a sweet message.

It is indeed a Merry Christmas.

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Crumpit, He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it! "Pooh-Pooh to the Whos!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming. "They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!" "They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!" "Their mouths will hang open a minute or two Then the Whos down in Who-ville will all cry Boo-Hoo!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch, "That I simply MUST hear!" So he paused. And the Grinch put his hand to his ear. And he did hear a sound rising over the snow. It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry! It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Who-ville! The Grinch popped his eyes! Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small, Was singing! Without any presents at all!

He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME! Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow, Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?" "It came with out ribbons! It came without tags!" "It came without packages, boxes or bags!" And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! "Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store." "Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

Water for Elephants

A few weeks ago I had a hankering to hear a good bell choir. There are many reasons why this most likely came about, but they are insignificant. So after doing some research I determined that there was going to be a Free Bell choir and Harp concert at a somewhat nearby library. And as a bonus I've had it on my checklist to check out this library for quite a while. On the calendar it went.

Wait this is a book review, where's the book?

Quite randomly I was browsing the stacks and happened upon Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. I'd heard of it and knew it was on some lists and all so decided to go for it. I started reading it before the concert began. And basically couldn't put it down then. There was definately some loss of sleep. But I finished it in 2 or 3 days.

The story is delightful. For me there wasn't any serious contemplation or brain things about it. It was just a marvelous and well written story.

And on a random note a random coincidence occurred. I was home over the Christmas week and what should be on the coffee table there but the same book! My father's co-worker likes to give him books to read apparently and he'd started Water for Elephants the day before. I think it took him 2 days tops (but he cheated by having more free time than I).

Therefore I can say that this book is awesome and support it with additional outside evidence! Read it.

Piqué Piqué Pas de bourrée Pas de chat Relevé en fifth

One of the things that gets me about Ballet is that every single move has a name. Which wouldn't be so bad except that it's all French. Ouch. Not to mention the whole body doing crazy contortion/strength things. But in the end I still enjoy it.

On Saturday I had my very first Ballet performance. That string of French up there is the opening pass that we used to get onstage for the Coda of the Pas de Deux from The Nutcracker. The performance was entitled "Our Very own Nutcracker". That it was indeed.

My teacher is completely crazy and really a modern dancer. But she's managed to piece together this studio which now I think has 4 resident 'companies' and I use that term very lightly. But our spectacular nutcracker started off with live musicians performing The Overture.

I was one of the musicians. When she started talking about it I quickly volunteered to play anything. I am so much better at playing than dancing. They did a similar performance last year and so had used piano and 2 violins I think (based on the music we used). So this year I replaced one of the violin players who moved to piano, and therefore my teachers husband was off the hook for playing.

Next up were some entrance/party scenes. Marvelously danced by little girls most of whom don't come up past my waist. Always adorable.

Then, just for some contrast or something, we had our sweets (or the nationalities as I know them more as). These were danced by some older girls that are probably intermediate to low advanced ballet students. Two of the 4 were on pointe. And one of the most spectacular things was one of the older (probably older than me I'm guessing) one's extension. She brought her leg up into passe and extended it so that her knee was somewhere between 6 and 12 inches from the side of her face. Ridiculous.

Slightly not so cool, but w/e, me and my fellow musicians musiced again. In preparing for the whole playing something deal I had looked up Nutcracker music, and managed to find a full score for the suite. And so when I saw that I had myself and 2 violin players I thought of Dance of the Reed Flutes which is scored featuring a melody line of almost entirely a flute trio. So being the crazy overachiever that I occasionally I am I transcribed the whole thing (including some non-flute parts) for our group. Miraculously it worked. I was so proud, although I don't know that anyone beyond like TRM knew about my excitement.

After that was another entirely funny group of medium aged chilluns doing ballet? (running around more so), and hip-hop. Then I really neat African dance by a multi-aged group.

Lastly performing the Coda were 4 ballet students more or less around my age. And most specifically including me. The 11 word title of this post is our 8 count entrance. But somehow I still managed to learn everything quite well. Possibly because I was the only one of us who actually attended every single rehersal. Also aiding my memorization was the fact that it was around 80 seconds tops. It went by in a giant blurr. After the fact I was just like 'omg all that work for something that fast'.

In the end though I've been living for those fleeting moments all my life.

Live the questions now.

Most people who know me don’t realize this but I am a very cynical person. I flat out don’t believe in the whole one true love thing or the myth of love at first sight. I barely can convince myself to believe in a romantic notion of love. Like seriously people, get real.

But leave it to life to try and trip me up. You see I’m more or less head over heels for date #2, let’s call him A. It’s freaking me out.

Firstly he picked me up for our date. I’m actually pretty sure that this is the first time that this has ever happened for me. I liked it, it was somewhat chivalrous like.

Secondly he took me to a nice restaurant. It hit the spot of being fancy but not too fancy just right. In fact I think that may describe A altogether.

Thirdly he took and held my hand going into and out of the restaurant. Then when we were back at home watching a movie he immediately cuddled with me. Quite a bit. Later he kissed me. I don’t kiss on the first date. Fortunately (or is it Unfortunately?) myself had vacated the premises for the evening. Hate to kiss and tell but I’m inclined to put it out somewhere. He’s a pretty bad kisser. There is the potential for asphyxiation concerns in my future. But I don’t mind.

Fourthly part a he’s at least decently intelligent. He was a linguist for the army and reportedly speaks Korean. He was going to school for International Studies and is almost through with the degree but situations caused him to move up here, he will be completing the degree however on top of the full time job and part b. Which is working administratively for the VA. Rock on non-profit.

Fifthly he’s hot.

Sixthly he actually likes me. This is supported by such things as the fact that he kissed me and probably would have slept on my couch if I didn’t kick him out around 1:30. Additional evidence can be found in conversations snippits such as “ you can spend your free time with me”, “I had a good time”, and somewhat inconclusively “I like you.”

That all being said I am indeed freaking out. Good freaking out obviously with all that stuff, but also bad freaking out. I don’t want to get hurt and seems like letting myself get my hopes all up would be a really good way to do that.

Kinda like Mr. Fling whom I’m making light of in order to not let it get to me.

Normally I am an incredibly patient person and I like to do things slowly. This feels like it’s just rushing right at me. I only met him once. And our few phone calls were all brief and somehow felt slightly awkward. I don’t know how I can possibly like him so much.

Only time will tell. Wish me luck. Maybe life will teach me to believe.




"...be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now."

DNR

I am, and have been for a while, a faithful Grey’s watcher. Now there have most certainly been times when I miss episodes, but ABC is pretty awesome about posting old episodes online. And so I have been able to keep up. In fact now that I watch it TRM has ended up being drawn in…..the explanations of some of the back stories are pretty much awesome. They display how ridiculous the show is – gotta love it.

But anyways last night’s episode got me thinking about some things:

First and foremost I’d say the dominant theme of the hour was taking the emotion out of thought. A new character, a Doctor, has Asperger’s. And so when a 16 year old girl is left brain dead from a car accident she experiences none of the emotional agony shared by everyone else, particularly the girl’s family. Instead she focuses on the benefit that the girl’s young healthy organs have the potential to save many other lives.

For most people this seems incredibly cold and callous. In fact TRM reacted in such a way. Personally, I definitely felt the shock, but it’s the facts. Dr. Dixon has the special ability to not get caught up in the emotional tangle that might halt the rest of us. For her she could immediately see past what was done and move on to what was best for the future.

Personally I know that if I was ever “the body” in such a situation I would want them to use my body in such a way to do the most good for other people. I’ve always believed that a body is just a body, some bits of organic matter strung together in such a way to propel me through life.

Actually if you really want to get into the matter I’m not particularly beholden to tying myself to life. Everyone knows Hamlet’s “To be or not to be”. And hopefully you know that the speech is debate on suiside and the will to live or to cast oneself to death. Hamlet’s hand is stayed because “To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream: aye, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come”. Most people are afraid of death because it is the unknown. Personally I am much more of the mind that “To die: to sleep; No more; and by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache, and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd.” But I’m pretty sure I’m quite abnormal.

Really what ties me to life is the emotional connections with others. I do love my family in my friends. Quite a bit in fact. It would, and has, hurt a lot to loose any of them. And given that my own experiences are the only way that I can truly anticipate things existing, I assume that if I were to die those I love would feel the same. Now given that I’d never want to hurt those I care for I’m perfectly willing to “suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune”. Plus there are some perfectly good and enjoyable things about life that I can take in.

Looking back at the story line from last night they put the girl on life support so that her family could have a chance to say goodbye. And being as it is a television show they had to make it even more bitterly tragic. See the girl was, irresponsibly, driving herself and her little sister when they got into the accident. So they came into the hospital arguing furiously with each other. As they discovered there was trauma and wheeled her away for urgent care her sister called out in frustration “I hope you die.”

Ouch, that sucks. And so the poor girl was agonizing over it. Not to mention the parents who I’m sure pretty much just wanted to die themselves instead of having to make the decision to let her body die.

So that inspired to here in make the following known. If I am ever in anything of a similar situation I don’t want anyone to have any of that agony. Inevitably there will be the pain of loss, don’t make it worse by wondering about the “what if’s”. Just let me go.

Instead I want everyone that ever meant anything in my life to know how incredibly appreciative for what you've contributed to my life. Those experiences are most of what makes life worth living.

But most importantly I want to leave behind the message not to mourn. It's basically a stupid thing to say because when you loose someone you can't help but feel it. Yet I am not concerned about death so no need to fret on my behalf. And as for the loss you feel, well I wish I had a better answer for that one. But in the end please just know that no matter what I loved you, I love you, and nothing, not even death, can change that.

Us, the most fleeting of all.

For my trip to Arizona I wanted to take an audio book to use as an entertainment device for all of the travel time. My first choice was Children of Dune, but alas I couldn’t play it anywhere buy my computer. So instead I found a book that I’d seen pop up here and there and thought numerous times about consuming. It was The Time Traveler’s Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger. And I loved it.

The story is a love story. And Nifengger does a beautiful job of creating the delicate and intricate web of romance. But that wasn’t the amazing part of the book.

What was so spectacular about this story was the antagonist, Time. You see Henry, by a flaw of genetics, is a time traveler. A time traveler who has no control over his position in time. Niffenegger treats his condition so realistically it makes it totally believable.

The thing I loved most however is her ability to comprehend the complexities of time. Clair, described in the title, maintains a simple linear life. But Henry is constantly moving about from the here and now into the past, or sometimes the future. And it is not always, but quite frequently he interacts with his own life, even his own self. So in the end the story line is basically unfolding in complex entangled layers. It’s enough to fill my brain for days.

Really it was quite an amazing book. And as an added bonus it had numerous quotations from the Duino Elegies which I am now exploring and loving.



Oh not because happiness exists, that too-hasty profit snatched from approaching loss.

…………….

But because truly being here is so much; because everything here apparently needs us, this fleeting world, which in some strange way keeps calling to us. Us, the most fleeting of all.

……………..

…Ah, but what can we take along into that other realm? Not the art of looking, which is learned so slowly, and nothing that happened here. Nothing. The sufferings, then. And, above all, the heaviness, and the long experience of love, - just what is wholly unsayable.

-from The Ninth Duino Elegy,
Rainer Maria Rilke,
Translated by Stephen Mitchell