I'm fine.

It seems to me like our modern society tells us that: in public emotions are to be kept reigned in. One is supposed to go around happy, but not too happy.

There is this one board member at work. He's a really great guy and the kind of person that you'd want to know and can't help liking. Whenever he calls the conversation is exactly like this:
Me: Harrisburg Symphony Carlin speaking.
Him: Hi Carlin this is how are you today?
Me: I'm fine and how are you?
Him: I'm spectacular. I was wondering if.....

The man is always 'spectacular' (I exaggerate, he's been 'great' a few times too). And just the way he says it, and the way he acts, he is just so damn positive all of the time. Around the office being 'spectacular' is a bit of a joke. Everyone likes the idea of such positivity, but in reality it makes us feel weird.

A while ago I read what I thought was a really fascinating article. It was about how in our society we've gotten to this point where we think we have to always be happy or something. I mean how many people are on drugs or depression and all kinds of things. A range of emotions is completely normal, after all one needs both sides of anything in order to appreciate any extreme. But we've taught ourselves to choke back and hide any negative feelings and present a positive image.

On average how many times do you think you are asked the question "how are you today?". I know I hear it a lot. Some patrons who call ask it, which always baffles me: Why the heck do you care? Just get out whatever it is you want so I can get on with my work. So i nearly always respond to them "I'm fine". It's a frequent question from co-workers, after all I sit at the front desk so everyone passes me early in the morning. Occasionally if I'm feeling strong enough about something I'll add a bit of detail. The past two weeks have had a few "I'm sick" responses. But still the typical is "I'm fine". Friends and family ask. They might actually get a 'real' response, a description of the ups and downs of the day, the emotional roller coaster that is life. But often times I can't be bothered with trying to fit the big picture that is how I am into words and come up with something slightly descriptive but non-committal like "I'm still here". And all too often I'm still "fine."

"Sometimes when I say 'oh I'm fine', really I want someone to look me in the eye and say, 'tell the truth'."

Spring fever.

I have spring fever. Literally.

Started on Tuesday. And while we don't have any thermometer in the house I know I was running a pretty good fever. Since then I've struggled through work and in general felt like a giant slime bucket.

I hate being sick.

And to top it all off the trees outside of our house flowered this week and its supposed to hit 80 today. But instead of out soaking up the gloriousness of spring I get to be flat on my back wishing I were dead.

*sigh*

Burnt out.

Concert weekends are always rough.

I run the box office which involves both having some office hours where people can call in and then also setting up everything to run at the actual event. Concert weekends typically run like this:
Saturday 10:30-3:00 - Office hours. Sometimes this means I have free time to do whatever because really the phones don't ring that much. And then the last hour or so is always a furious rush of printing off everything and packing up and loading it all.
3-5 - go home take shower and in general really not have time to accomplish anything.
5-11 - Venue. General madness ensues.
Sunday 12:30-6 - More madness, then pack it all up.

Total result: approximately 20 hours of work and general exhaustion.

And at 8:30 Monday morning I'm back in the office again for another full week. The day after a concert is always crazy because I have to reconcile the weekend events back into our systems plus tons of patrons always call about this that or the other thing.

This two week period has been particularly insane because I'm in the middle of subscription renewals. I've not had time to breathe since February. And so much of it is so dull by now. I keep working extra hours but still can't get ahead. And it doesn't help that my brain is shutting down from exhaustion/boredom/overwork.

It's a pretty vicious cycle.

Paper money.

So I was sitting here at work trying to wade my way through the ridiculous mounds of monotonous work that are piling up around me and something occurred to me:

Whose idea was the concept of writing checks.

Because really they seem to me just like an upscale version of the play money that one would make as a child.

And yet we've all bought on to it.

.....

I processed over $14,000.00 of imaginary money today....

Unexpected windfall.

Yesterday as I was getting ready to leave the office a woman came in carrying a giant, fancily wrapped, tray of cookies. She asked for the Executive Director, but he was back in his office on the phone. So she left the tray with me saying she was with our new building management and if we ever needed anything to let her know. Yay cookies.

This was particularly exciting because the past few weeks have been hell and then this current week is hell brought to new levels because the concerts this weekend are nearly sold out and the phones don't stop ringing all day (PS: if you ever are trying to get tickets to a show and you talk to someone and they tell you 'well we only have seats remaining in x, y, and z' there is no need to ask them about seats in a, b, and c. Really we aren't lying to you, we will find you the best that we can. Take it quickly before I get annoyed with you and decide to seat you next to the wall.) But really that all is neither here nor there. Suffice it to say I could definitely have used some cookies.

Then like 3 other staff members for random reasons were up at my desk and we were marveling at the cookies. And then someone had the bright idea that we should put the cookies in the refrigerator to save them for the special donor reception on Friday evening. Such plan was agreed upon.

And this, my dears, is one of the reasons why working at a non-profit stinks.

*sigh*