Responding wonder.

I received a comment. A real true comment. How exciting is that. Someone is actually reading. Sweet.

Not really the anonymity that I might hope for, but then beggars can't be choosers.

Thanks for the congratulations on the ride. I never before knew much at all about MS but having done this now I am awed by those who succeed in fighting the disease and live their lives despite it. Your father will be in my thoughts as I gear up for the September ride. If he ever wants company for another MS150....I like friends. Although I'm on the not quite slow yet not near fast side.

Yea 100 miles is a lot. And I am proud of myself. There were definitely times when I was ready to give up, in fact of the 4 on my team I was the only one to ride the whole ride. And go figure I was the newbie. But really what is 100 miles compared to a whole life.

I say that in two senses of the word. Firstly is the fact that I may go through this challenge for a weekend, but for the people with MS that I'm riding for that struggle is their whole life. If you really want to feel like we who are healthy have things good check out http://www.faceofms.org/ . Really in general I recommend checking it out, it's incredibly inspiring.

Secondly and really as selfish as I'm being but it is more pressing in my mind is the whole break up thing.

What reward do I want from life? Right now what I'm focused in on is finding someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Someone that will make me happy, someone to make me feel safe. Someone to be there so that I don't feel so alone.

I can be a pretty dark person to begin with so having been broken up with it's kind of like life is saying 'nope' not for you.

Most days I question that I am capable of the emotion we call 'love'.

I could, can if I'm being honest, picture spending the rest of my life with him. He was good. He had many qualities that were very good for me. He made me happy.


...


Being as it has become tomorrow already, I'll be leaving for camping later today. I really need this get-away so thank goodness it is finally here.


"From without, no wonderful effect is wrought within ourselves, unless some interior, responding wonder meets it."

Books are for people.

For all that I like to read and have spent quite a good bit of my life reading sometimes I feel remarkably un-well-read.

I think it's partially do with how I read. I read purely for pleasure. And often as a way of escaping the constrains of my own mortal existence. This form of 'light' reading does not lend itself to many of the great classics some of which can be downright difficult to get through.

However recently I've embarked upon a bit of a quest to try and read up on those classics we hear so much about. The idea was to make a giant list, mostly compiled from lists one can find online, and to try and work through the list. But the list creation proved to be a bit more involved than I was going for and fell through.

So last week when I was at the library (something was due so I had to go) I was on a quest for Atlas Shrugged. The quest was actually for other reasons but I figure the book is on the list anyways so it couldn't hurt. I also knew that I am going away camping next week and ought to be able to get in some reading. (Although now I kind of question that I'll have the time I thought I would. But then 2 weeks ago I definately read 3 books in one week.) Go figure the universe conspired against me, one copy of Atlas Shrugged was checked out and the other was being serviced or something weird and annoying. I began to randomly browse. I ended up with quite a good stack of pages.

I picked up Dr. Zhivago. Honestly I couldn't recall a thing about it besides that I recognized the name and thought it might not be too drab. Now I see that I may know the name from the movie, but also that its a great work of political importance.

I also selected Dune. I don't know much about it either except that there was a mini-series by the same name, and same premise I believe, on the SciFi Channel a few years back that I watched. But given that I consider myself to be a bit, though not much, of a Fantasy buff I figure I ought to read some of the Fantastical greats. Plus I think it's harder to find dry Fantasy/SciFi (though not impossible).

Lastly I was looking for something lighter and that could balance out the others in case I didn't like them. So basically some chic-lit. I ended up with The Birth of Venus. I'm pretty sure its chic-lit but I'd also heard of it before and it got good reviews.

Interestingly enough however after all of this library pondering I ended up stopping my Borders and purchasing Atlas Shrugged. I'm compelled to read it to try to understand something. And I had a gift certificate, plus a coupon. Although to use the coupon, %40 off, I needed to spend $10. And the book was 8 something. So then I ended up getting the Forrest Gump Sound Track because I've wanted it forever. Like seriously for years and years and years. And everything together still ended up running me about $8. But I did get some good stuff.

*sigh* I've been spending too much money lately. It's bothering me.




"Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else."

Nothing fails like success.

Over yesterday and today I completed a fund raising bike ride for the National MS Society. I raised $215 and rode over 100 miles. And now I'm in a good bit of pain.

Physically it was quite brutal. There were seriously times when I questioned that I'd be able to do it. But I kept going anyways.

The highlight was on day one. There were a lot more people, riders and support, on Saturday. Everyone that I went with ended up dropping out and getting rides back to the start. Although they did go more miles than me in total, I know my limits and this was already pushing it. But anyways I was on my own, which I'm pretty used to.

This however is not the point of my story. Towards the end of the ride when it was just brutally hot and the hills seemed to never end and I was tired and just pretty much had it there was a volunteer with a sign. He was one of the people at a fairly blind intersection telling if it was good to cross the street or not. But he was fairly older and sitting with a sign. I can't quote it directly but it said something like this: My girlfriend has MS and so Thank You so much for everything that you are doing today, you're support means a lot. 3.5 miles left.

Thank you for everything you are doing today. My girlfriend has MS and your support means a lot. 3.5 miles left.

It was his unexpected and kind heartfelt words that got me through those last 3.5 miles. Because really I shouldn't be riding for myself we were riding to support a greater cause.

I literally teared up after that turn.


But it's a new day today and I did it. I got back on that bike despite my hurting sunburned self just wanting to sleep.

I did it but I'm really depressed.

Accomplishment is nothing without recognition. And right now it feels like the only people that I would want to care are no where to be found.

I rode over 100 miles. I am amazing. But my boyfriend broke up with me two weeks ago and I cannot get over it.

I can't accomplish the things that I really really want and that would really really matter for my own life.

I fail.


"Nothing fails like success.

We have to touch people.

Oops no entries for a long time.

Inevitably I suck at blogging. And then my life kind of went and gave me a big slap. So I was depressed too and in general not inclined to do much of anything.

But I was talking to JT a good bit yesterday. In fact it made the second day in a row that I've had a good conversation with one of my awesome friends whom I love. Sweetness. I miss all of my friends tons. I've been feeling a good bit lonely lately.

Anyways JT is awesome we were doing a good bit of reminiscing and commenting on how old we are. And she was writing in her blog like thing more recently and it was awesome to read cuz shes awesome and has a fun writing style as well as awesome mind things going on. I totally miss the ridiculous out there conversations with the Penguins.

Anyways again I gave JT this link so now I may actually have a reader! How exciting is that. Plus she already has an acronym. This is good.

In other news my parents are ridiculous and I love them. Most recently father is acting like I'm the long lost child that he desperately wants to see or something. Mother said they're having a bit of empty nest syndrome. Well maybe they should not be constructing my room into the den for their new massive master bedroom. *rolls eyes*. Silly silly parents.

My biking abilities are improving. I did 40 miles on the 5th, 44 on the 13th, and 25 on the 21st. I'm still ungodly slow (max average speed of 12.1). But I think I'll be able to survive MS ride #1 which is this weekend. Wish me luck.

Tomorrow I'm breaking out of work. I'm going home will see both parents. Then I'm picking up Grandma and we'll go visit Grandpa. It seems like we'll have to visit him in the hospital :-/ But it's totally been way too long since I've visited him. Then we'll be going out to Fairmont park in Philly to see the Philly Orchestra - yay. Berlioz and Beethoven. I think theres even fireworks. The only iffy thing is that I have lawn tickets and like to have a picnic. But I don't see Grandma and the picnic thing working out too well. I'm already worried about how much walking may be involved. And a grass seat is totally a no go. I'm pretty sure that terrace seating is open to lawn ticket holders though. So here's hoping.

Oh and I also am pretty sure that at home after lunch we'll go to the bank and I'll finally get my stuff out of my parents safe deposit box. I don't quite know where I'll keep it yet. But I'll finally know for sure the whole savings bond situation. Yay.


Sorry for the long quote today:

"It's said that science will dehumanize people and turn them into numbers. That's false, tragically false. Look for yourself. This is the concentration camp and crematorium at Auschwitz. This is where people were turned into numbers. Into this pond were flushed the ashes of some four million people. And that was not done by gas. It was done by arrogance, it was done by dogma, it was done by ignorance. When people believe that they have absolute knowledge, with no test in reality, this is how they behave. This is what men do when they aspire to the knowledge of gods.

Science is a very human form of knowledge. We are always at the brink of the known; we always feel forward for what is to be hoped. Every judgment in science stands on the edge of error and is personal. Science is a tribute to what we can know although we are fallible. In the end, the words were said by Oliver Cromwell: "I beseech you in the bowels of Christ: Think it possible you may be mistaken."

I owe it as a scientist to my friend Leo Szilard, I owe it as a human being to the many members of my family who died here, to stand here as a survivor and a witness. We have to cure ourselves of the itch for absolute knowledge and power. We have to close the distance between the push-button order and the human act. We have to touch people."

But you only spend it once.

I'm behind (as anticipated)! I start looking into everything way too much and it takes forever for me to decide on stuff. Must go faster. I ought to start having themes.

Day 3: $100
Interestingly enough I did just in fact come into 100 dollars. At conference I put my business card in any and every drawing I saw and lo and behold I won a $100 American Express Gift Card. Sweet deal. I'm not sure what I should use it for. But for this exercise I'm going to stick with my current bike fascination. Really these rides are taking over my life. I should write about it.
Moving on to the list:
$12 - Sweet handle bar tape with flowers so I can be awesome even tho my old tape is in fine shape. http://www.amazon.com/PRO-Flower-Bicycle-Handlebar-Adhesive/dp/B0013XPBO8/ref=wl_itt_dp?ie=UTF8&coliid=IRGEV4YPQQCKZ&colid=37VD6E28CKQTZ
$30 - Sweet gloves, in blue, again with flowers. And good padding. Your hands bear a remarkable amount of weight.
$18 - Arm warmers, no snazzy designs sadly, because I get cold too easily. http://www.amazon.com/Pearl-Izumi-Seamless-Arm-Warmer-M-Black/dp/B0014ROJNM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=sporting-goods&qid=1214498520&sr=1-1
$20 - Bike computer. So I can actually know how fast, how far, how long, etc. without bugging TR constantly. http://www.amazon.com/Planet-Bike-9-Function-Computer-Temperature/dp/B000AO9R8C/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=sporting-goods&qid=1214500046&sr=1-2
$20 - Drop bar mirror so that I don't have to try and look over my shoulder. I really hate the whole looking over the shoulder thing. http://www.amazon.com/Sprintech-Bicycle-Rear-view-mirror/dp/B000VTQW0C/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=sporting-goods&qid=1214500576&sr=1-4

Day 4: $200 Keeping things safe.
Firebox/safe - Just in case, heaven forbid a fire or something would happen. It'd be good to have everything together and protected. Although the whole if thieves were to think about it they could easily get everything together is annoying. http://www.amazon.com/Honeywell-Protector-1070-Cubic-Inch-Waterproof-2037/dp/B000GB3CBC/ref=pd_ts_hi_21?ie=UTF8&s=hi
External Hard Drive - 500 GB for $100. Thats pretty sweet (and over 6 times as big as my home computer hard drive.) http://www.amazon.com/Iomega-Desktop-Drive-Hi-Speed-External/dp/B000HI9O5W/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=electronics&qid=1214942398&sr=8-1


Day 5: $400 Camping
I always want more camping equipment. So heres a list of some good stuff thats been on my wish list.
$11 - Silverware in a nice roll up thing. Significant improvement over the box of random w/e and or plastic ware. http://www.amazon.com/Coleman-Stainless-Enamel-Flatware-Service/dp/B0009PUQKU/ref=wl_it_dp?ie=UTF8&coliid=I37ZYBG70GMVRZ&colid=37VD6E28CKQTZ
$22 - Awesome blue speckled dishes. So cute. http://www.amazon.com/Coleman-12-piece-Enamelware-Dining-Blue/dp/B0009PUSPS/ref=wl_it_dp?ie=UTF8&coliid=I2MQ6GRGD8TJ27&colid=37VD6E28CKQTZ
$75 - Actual decent cook set (pots and pans) which conveniently pack tight. http://www.amazon.com/Snow-Peak-Titanium-Compact-Cookset/dp/B000SO405O/ref=wl_it_dp?ie=UTF8&coliid=I2JSHZFDRBMOTN&colid=37VD6E28CKQTZ
$10 - Swiss Army Knife - Doesn't everyone need one? And this one is pretty blue.http://www.amazon.com/Victorinox-Swiss-Classic-Pocket-Knife/dp/B000FNFXDG/ref=wl_it_dp?ie=UTF8&coliid=I27DVSDECAKNDY&colid=37VD6E28CKQTZ
$ 90 - Screened in room - oh so good to have. Somehow my family lost all of our old ones. Which is very sad being as I question the ability of these new ones to be as awesome. http://www.amazon.com/Texsport-Montana-Screen-Arbor/dp/B00018BQSQ/ref=wl_it_dp?ie=UTF8&coliid=I1SKDLQS41VA36&colid=37VD6E28CKQTZ
$40 - Two twin air mattresses because invariably one gets a leak. http://www.amazon.com/Intex-Prestige-Downy-Airbed-Battery/dp/B000HBIL7G/ref=wl_it_dp?ie=UTF8&coliid=IJXFP1D3143HI&colid=37VD6E28CKQTZ
$25 - Good flashlight. Bye-bye cheap-o lights. http://www.amazon.com/Instrument-Maglite-Flashlight-Black-ST3D016/dp/B000IXAJVY/ref=wl_it_dp?ie=UTF8&coliid=I72RJKNAGKIYT&colid=37VD6E28CKQTZ
$10 - Folding Grill - yay firefood! http://www.amazon.com/Texsport-Deluxe-Folding-Camp-Grill/dp/B000MK4KUE/ref=wl_it_dp?ie=UTF8&coliid=I1DOIAFO725IR6&colid=37VD6E28CKQTZ
$85 - Lantern and camp stove - Since the ridiculously old (yet incredibly preserved though not well maintained) lantern and stove I got from my parents doesn't seem to work I need a new ones. And I suppose because of price and convenience I'll go with a propane. http://www.amazon.com/Coleman-Two-Mantle-Propane-Lantern-Case/dp/B0009PUPVK/ref=pd_bxgy_sg_text_b
http://www.amazon.com/Coleman-5430E700-Two-Burner-Propane-Stove/dp/B00005OU9D/ref=pd_bxgy_sg_img_b
$50 - Folding table - For car camping really it is quite useful to have for cooking. Especially if you have a larger group.


ok thats a start at catching up. I've still got lots to go however.




"Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once."

It's not your salary that makes you rich.

This morning catching up on my blog reading I found this: Abundant Life Spending Spree.

I was intrigued and decided I should like to play along.

The premise is that starting with $25 on day one (which was technically Sunday) I'll imagine what I would like to spend the money on. From there on the amount is doubled every day. There's no repeating items.

The reality of me sticking with it daily is questionable. But it could be fun and can't hurt to try, so here goes nothing.

Day 1: $25
With $25 I would buy a pair of bicycle shorts because this summer I am dedicated to becoming a kick butt biker. And as a part of this I fixate upon wishing I had the proper equipment.

Day 2: $50
To continue the trend with $50 I'd get a good bike jersey, in bluebird of course. Really its kind of crazy how quickly one can spend money on this stuff.




"It's not your salary that makes you rich, it's your spending habits."

There's something about shadows.

I am a lurker.

I faithfully read *counts* 9 blogs. In fact I'm nearly obsessive compulsive about it. See I have them all set up on a tab of my iGoogle page. (I <3 google). So when people post things they rather instantaneously appear on that page. And being as I nearly go out of my mind at work I often pull it up to see if there are any new distractions.

Most of the blogs I read are about personal finance. Last fall when I was embarking upon my new self contained personal finance quest I stumbled upon a blog. It was fascinating, well written, and informative. I spent a number of days reading a year or two of back logs. Once I was caught up it was fairly anti-climatic. What was I supposed to do now?

Gradually I found more blogs. They are all, at least in part, in the vein of personal finance. Being as I am obsessed with personal finance this works for me. In actuality having found these people was amazing. I still don't know anyone else in real life who is as fixated on this stuff as myself.

But now we return to my original statement: lurking. You see I read these blogs, keep tabs on these peoples lives, and yet I don't ever leave comments or anything. Ok, thats an exaggeration. In approximately I'd say 8 months of reading I've left a grand total of 3 comments ever. It's kind of weird. I know them and about things they are doing and thinking about, and yet they don't know me.

That's blogging for you right?

Anyways I decided to write this because I'm steeling myself up (and or justifying my creepiness) to comment again today. Rock on.



"There's something about shadows because you make your own mind up about what's lurking in them."